Today Microsoft gave a press conference on their release of Windows 8. They rhapsodized the future of their tablet and expounded just how fresh their operating system is, emphasizing that it was "redesigned from the ground up." They wobbled a little, and gripped the podium, but were cheery and professional overall. There were rumors of sweat breaking through their powdered forehead.
Our correspondent embedded at a Redmond BroPad reports that the software giant was in high spirits following today's press event, saying "that'll show those Apple fags" as they swaggered to a nearby Chili's and high-fived their companions. At the bar there was reportedly a rousing round of "developers developers developers developers," a renowned chant on the Microsoft campus. Back at home, Microsoft regaled their housemates with speeches, bellowing "SIMULTANEITY IS DEAD, SAY HELLO TO THE MONOLITH" over the noise of a "Halo 4" alpha.
Our technology expert, Mark Jankowsky, P.h.D. in Media Studies, who diligently comments on every of Steven Shaviro's blog posts, has already tweeted extensively on Microsoft's just-released operating system.
MS decides that the illusion of a third dimension and screens that aren't touch are so last decade
it was comforting that the right-angled minimalism of the web was encased in ornate, rounded glass that glowed and cast shadows
windows 8 obliterates outside & inside
there is no time in win8, only an unrelated confusion of NOWs, each all-important, neither before nor after anything
Jankowsky's peers critique him in their own barrages of tweets, accusing him of "drown[ing] in ontic nostalgia," "privileg[ing] linearity," being "stuck in a bourgeois ethos," and that he "subscribes to a visuospatial heteronormativity." One noted that he "sound[ed] like one of his knee-jerking graduate students, but back before he was born." One of those graduate students, age 20, tweeted "this feels like the 1920s all over again."
Microsoft, who doesn't follow any of the aforementioned on twitter, sat back to enjoy a well-earned Michael Bay marathon.